Oz Wiz Hexes Bank - Wizard of New Zealand

ADVENTURES

OZ WIZ HEXES BANK

A report sent in by one of the wizards of Melbourne

Wizard Dafydd

Banks are not popular in the late 20th Century. They never have been
really. But not since Edward III cheerfully defaulted on his Florentine money-lenders during the Hundred Years' War have banks been defied with impunity. Until now.

In the western suburbs of Melbourne there is an enchanted land known as Footscray. In April this year, the last remaining bank in the village of Seddon (in the middle of Footscray) was ordered to be shut down by the Commonwealth Bank of Australia, as a result of a Corporate Plan.

The Arcane Mysteries of a Corporate Plan
For those unfamiliar with the concept, a Corporate Plan is part of a religious ceremony where men and women in business suits sit around a table and worship briefcases, mobile phones, and popular items of computer hardware. After about fifteen minutes their brains cease functioning and they go into a trance. The actual Corporate Plan is something which results from this ceremony, and contains other ancillary liturgical concepts like Cost Benefit Analyses.

According to bank officials, one of these Cost Benefit Analyses resulted in the decision that the Seddon branch of the Commonwealth Bank was not profitable and should be closed down. the fact that no suburban bank branch anywhere in the universe makes a profit didn't stand in their way. The underlying assumption was that the people of Seddon were too poor and didn't deserve to have a bank of their own.

Shopkeepers Call on Local Wizard
Facing immediate ruin, the shopkeepers of Seddon appealed to their local Wizard, also known in conventional circles as David Greagg. The Wizard agreed to come to the demonstration on April 11 and cast spells upon the bank, either to make them change their minds about the closure or giving them something to think about if they didn't.

The demonstration, urged on by an enthusiastic crowd, was an uproarious success, the Wizard cast mighty spells upon the bank. Not on the long-suffering peons of the local branch of course, but on the business-suits from Sydney, where dwell the Dread Lords of Australian Capital.

The spells were reported in the local papers and in the business pages of The Age newspaper (the slightly more literate of Melbourne's daily papers). The latter was chosen on the grounds that, while nobody seemed to know whether or not bankers could read, it was felt that if they could, they would turn first to the finance section of their newspaper.

Worst Computer Glitch in Australian Banking History
That spells were cast on Saturday April 12. On Monday, the Commonwealth Bank's shares dipped. On Tuesday, it succumbed to what was described in The Australian as "the worst computer glitch in the history of Australian banking". Tens of millions went temporarily astray, and fevered officials told The Australian newspaper "It's not a virus. We don't know what it is, but we've got our best people working on it."

The Bank's shares have gone up and down a bit since then, but the general trend has been down compared with other banks. Shaken, bank officials conceded that "Seddon had put up a terrific fight", and the local newsagency was then graciously permitted to open an agency of the Commonwealth Bank in harness with its post office facilities. Retail trade in Seddon has recovered after an initial slump, and local pride and community feeling is running high after giving the might of the Commonwealth Bank a bloody nose.

The Melboune wizard said afterwards that he wasn't prejudiced against banks in general, but they did need to pay more attention to their responsibilities towards those who generate their profits. He added "That'll teach them to mess with us."

Puzzled later by the magnitude of the power of the spell he had unleashed on the Australian banking industry, Wizard Dafydd made arcane enquiries and found that, at the exact time of his spell, April 11th 1997, the comets Hyakutake and Hale-Bopp crossed over by Algol! This confirmed the pre-scientific theory that great events in the heavens accompany great events on earth. Many great men, including Shakespeare and the four evangelists, have been of this opinion.

Update on the $A. Since our campaign began, the $A has moved northwards! Magic works!
Wizard Dafydd - The Promised Land - on Tue Apr 24 15:08:41 NZST 2001.

To Mr Poor Sod: well, we're here. Everyone is here except Mr W who I hope isn't. To Mr Bank Teller: you have our profound sympathies. I am afraid that your chances of getting a pay rise out of any bank anywhere on Planet Earth could best be described as minimal. Perhaps you and your Mum might jointly and severally invest in a new career in IT. If you retrain and reinvent yourselves as something new, bright and shiny you might get some more money. But don't hold your breath waiting for your bank to do it for you. Banks basically feel that they'd be better off without tellers. Or customers. Or staff of any kind. Once they were capitalists, and that was OK. Capitalists are fine. Much better than mere hired functionaries which is what banking senior management consists of these days. Readers in Melbourne might be interested to know that today and yesterday there have been articles in The Age (see Back Page, edited by the admirable John Mangan) about the campaign by me, Wizard Charlie and Murgatroyd the Prophet to put the Queen back on the $5 bill. This is, needless to say, the reason the $A has collapsed recently. Anyone wants to write to me on d_greagg@hotmail.com and send their address I will send you some stickers of the Queen to put over the evil image of Catherine Helen Spence, whose name is an anagram of (inter alia) Teen leech: sheer panic. No wonder the markets are stampeding! They are very superstitious people indeed. Cheers everyone and keep putting those stickers on!
Wizard Dafydd - The Promised Land - on Fri Apr 6 14:57:25 NZST 2001

Hi Snake and everyone else I know. It's truly amazing that some guys can't tell the difference between cruddy films and reality, but it's a common problem in our postmodern world. I wish Mr W didn't crap on so much but he can't help it I suppose. Just to update you all on the Comonwealth bank's progress. They have lost their position as Oz's No.1 bank well and truly to the NAB (who have made far fewer mistakes in the modern epoch) and they have lurched from one PR disaster to the next. Well, serves you right guys. How are things in Mildura, Snake? Nice place I believe, and the scene for one of our more interesting revolts in recent years. (Russell savage's two election wins over the increasingly irrelevant nationals.) Heady days indeed. Hope things are fine with you, Mog. Cheers all
Wizard Dafydd - The Promised Land - on Wed Jul 19 17:54:51 NZST 2000.

Hi I was one of those wizards!!!!!!! I am glad you respect what I did!!!!
- on Thu Jun 1 07:36:35 NZST 2000.

Good to see you going for the banks, mail me if you ever need help. And do you want an apprentice??? I have read a lot and practice a little, but i need help and guidance.
Changlinn the not even apprentice - Wollongong - on Wed Jan 12 05:55:33 NZDT 2000.

Bloody Marvellous!
Rhys - Christchurch NZ - on Thu Jan 6 17:18:29 NZDT 2000.

Thankyou Snake you are most kind =)
Mark - Tasmania - on Sun Dec 12 16:04:53 NZDT 1999.

why would we laugh, mark? It's an admirable aim
Snake - mildura - on Wed Dec 8 13:04:43 NZDT 1999.

Hi, i have been looking everywhere and i haven't been able to find wizard dafydd's email adress, i wanted to email him so he could help become a wizard. plz no one laugh, :)
Mark - Tasmania - on Wed Dec 1 23:14:47 NZDT 1999.

Master Dafydd, i hope you will not consider it rude of me to ask where of how you did come by your most excellent wizard's hat. Did it fall from the sky? Did you discover it on a lonely mountain top? Was it a gift from the ghost of merlyn? Did you make it yourself? If so, where would you reccomend i look to find out how? Blessed Be.
Snake - Mildura, Victoria - on Tue Nov 9 17:39:45 NZDT 1999.

Hi guys thanks for the nice messages. Can I just make a suggestion? Everyone does these things differently. It's not like there's this celestial cookbook or magical grimoire which you can just log into and all the secrets of the Universe are revealed all of a sudden. It doesn't happen like that. You have to do these things intuitively. Which spells work and which ones don't is something you basically learn on the job. Other people can advise at times, but we are basically on our own here. As far as magical systems are concerned we are postmodern wizards. This isn't a matter of choice so much as a recognition that as the world changes so our techniques have to change with it. That's why all those years ago we decided to use the mass media to get messages and spells across. Now we use the net, because the world has changed again so we adapt to meet these new metaphyiscal conditions. I'm happy about the _Age_ article because it got my message across pretty well. This is a spell in itself, though in Alan's case (the journo) he is an extremely intelligent man so there was no drama about his own level of understanding. As far as big spells like chastising banks are concerned, it helps a lot if you get asked to intervene by your local community. But the gods may not listen anyway. The fact that they did for me has many possible explanations, only one of which is basically that I got it right and they needed a good kicking. The _Age_ article was exceptionally interesting because I announced on election morning that Captain Hook's (Kennett's) crocodile was coming for him and he got an almost entirely unexpected clobbering at the polls. And I think that for all Kennett's virtues he definitely deserved this one, so you could probably write that up as another successful spell. But there is no textbook! The more you learn about the world, the more chance you have got of making these sort of things happen. I hope this is of some help. Best of luck team!
Wizard Dafydd - The Promised Land, Footscray, Australia - on Mon Oct 4 19:46:03 NZDT 1999.

Can you sense the varying degrees of interest displayed by those who percieve you? Can you sense where and why messages like this one come? Can you connect to me through the connection of conscioussness made by your site and this message? My perceptions are often clear, is there more to be seen? doonjing@hotmail.com - write me
Brendan Erik Mattson - Chicago - on Fri Oct 1 07:37:48 NZST 1999.

I wish to be an apprentice of thoust, would thoust agree of this? If not, where can I get help? Please reply, response, whatever at my e-mail address or the comments board.
Edwin/Zentor the Novice - Singapore - on Wed Sep 22 15:12:46 NZST 1999.

I just read about you in the Age, Master Dafydd, and had an interesting romp through the saga of your battle with the bank. It was nothing short of inspirational. As a student of magick I found your use of a hex intriguing. If it is no trouble, could you please describe what magick system(s) you use, as I would dearly like to know the method of creating such a powerful effect as your hex. May your spells grow ever stronger.
Marcus - Mildura, Victoria - on Sun Sep 19 01:32:14 NZST 1999.

Dear Danielle....I hope the stories, articles and especially the book list, inspire you to a career in spell binding.All the best.
Wizard of NZ - Christchurch - on Sun Jul 25 15:49:29 NZST 1999.

I'm puzzled by this sudden sorce of knowlage. I always dreamed of magic but never knew it to be real. Well I plan on trying a spell in one of the books soon so wish me good luck.
Danielle - texas - on Sun Jul 25 11:53:13 NZST 1999.

To David George et al Diolch! (Cymru am byth!) Wzd Dafydd
- on Fri Apr 16 17:10:47 NZST 1999.

is awesomely hysterical how true the old saying point a finger and three are pointed back at you is. The president of the AUSTRALASION(?) bankers assoc. LOL the illiterate diatribe?? oh my and the no to the loan for surgery. competent editing?? This was too funny and the best laugh i have had in a long time. Fun, wizards..the humour was obvious =)
anne - US of A - on .

Society sux. Do what you can and use any means available to change it!
Steve Pagratis - Australia - on .

Dear Wizard. I love your webpage very much. Oai Nguyen
Oai Nguyen - on .

Hwyl Dafydd! oddiwrth Dafydd Bardd Gweryn Cwm Cludd Uchaf Seland Newydd [NZ} :>)...
David George - Seland Newydd - on .

Hi David actually the song remains the same whichever country you live in. We don't tell banks how to run their business. If they want to sit in mystic circles round conference tables, doing weird cult things like Performance Appraisal; well, that's down to them. When their actions hurt local communities directly that's another issue. So we may take action if it seems to be a good idea. US banks aren't any brighter than ours, actually. They just have more money. Cheers for now... take care.
Wizard Dafydd - on Thu Jun 11 22:12:54 NZST 1998.

Listen I think you guys shouldn't try to close the bank. But I know how Importent This plane is because I am a wizard aswell even though I am only 13. But the sutition I guess are different in the USA then Australlia. David
David Harrold - USA - on Thu Jun 11 08:10:18 NZST 1998.

Thanks Compass: The flag is flying high. All the best to all ALFs and Druids everywhere!
Wizard Dafydd - on Fri May 29 01:20:27 NZST 1998.

Congratulations on your Web Page Daffyd. All the best to you and Charlie. Keep the flag flying and don't let the bastards grind you down!! Capt. Compass (Stunt Wizard at Jack's 21st)
Druid Murjack a.k.a Compass - Canty. Public Library - on Wed May 20 18:52:20 NZST 1998.

And while we're on the subject, what, yes WHAT has this hand-tooled moron got against Lady Druid Orange Girlies??? Is he, she or it frightened by assertive, self-confident women? Tough luck if you are old sport! Serve you right!
Wizard Dafydd - on Fri Mar 20 15:05:15 NZST 1998.

Wizard Daffydd, Good to know that the powers of Earth and Financial Ruination are still obliged by the laws of jollity and natural consequence to bow down to the superior power and intellect of our spiritual leaders the wizards. All power be to pointy hats and on the earth be mirth!
Paul Geddes, Sgt. 3rd New Edinburgh Highland Regt., Alfs Imperia - On leave in Birmingham, UK - on Tue Mar 3 03:15:50 NZDT 1998.

Just a brief update on WhichBank and their troubles. Apparently they now have intractable industrial relations disputes with their staff, many of whom are considerably less than happy with the bank's unique approach to industrial relations. I am not a vindictive man, but a little schadenfreude is occasionally permissible. We hope they learn something from all this.
Wizard Dafydd - The Promised Land - on Fri Feb 13 16:30:27 NZDT 1998.

Hi Ness aka Lady Druid Orange Girlie and everyone else who posted lately. Thanks for your support. If these bankers (rhymes with??) get out of hand again I will certainly taunt them a second time. Some of you may know already I have my own site now at http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Olympus/5296. It's still in its early stages but I intend to use it to turn up the heat on the evil magic of corporate plans and suchlike. I intend to prove that many of these managerialists are the lineal spiritual descendents of Stalin's commissars. Stand by for further details and keep watching this awesome web-page. Truly he is my Master in Enchantment.....
Wizard Dafydd - The Promised Land - on Wed Jan 14 17:55:25 NZDT 1998.

Hey Wizard, I thought it was you!!! It's your Lady Druid Orange Girlie here and I just finished perusing the obnoxious comments made on the other Wizard's page!! Intense! You were elegantly bitchy I must say and brilliant too! These photos of you are cool! Take care Mr. of the Glens!! (All Druids are excellent... and associates too!)
Lady Druid Orange Girlie - Miserly Mooroolbark - on Tue Jan 6 02:15:25 NZDT 1998.

Saw your article in the CHCH Press, had to check out your site. I always thought the council layed down some cash for your services, they should. Just think how hard it would be to find someone to replace you. Perhaps a few well directed Hexes might be in order?
Crusty - SmellyoldflatinCHCH - on Sun Jan 4 15:43:41 NZDT 1998.

Its me Tim McVeigh. i'm back again and just wanted to say: remember ALWAYS PLAY WITH THEIR MINDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bite Me - on Sat Nov 1 05:10:38 NZDT 1997.

Wiz man you rock severely! Do you know anything about milk? Down with the bankers. We support you all the way, oh great one, we bow down to you. Long live the wizard of Melbourne.
Tim McVeigh(i'm baaaack again) - Hell(the heaven down under, burn,baby burn) - on Sat Nov 1 05:07:05 NZDT 1997.

wiz man you rock! down with the bankers.
- on Sat Nov 1 05:02:49 NZDT 1997.

Dear Wizard You are a total nutter and I love it!!!
Tim Blackburn - Christchurch - on Mon Oct 13 23:06:28 NZDT 1997.

Go Wizards! Beat Bankers!
Rod Bourn - Baltimore, USA - on Tue Aug 12 13:33:06 NZST 1997.